Antidote (Dazed Series Book 3) Page 5

  I can’t outrun his memory and now that he was thrust back into my life, there’s no way that I can avoid any of this.

  “So, how do you know Killian?” Desi questions me as she turns down one of the side streets to avoid traffic as we enter the suburbs. The halfway house is only a fifteen-minute drive away from the treatment center but it feels like we’ve been in this car for well over an hour.

  I glance over at her. “It’s a long story.”

  “Girl, I think it’s more than just a long story.” She looks over at me, cocking an eyebrow. “I saw the way the two of you were looking at each other. And that tension—holy fuck. Come on, spill.”

  “He was my foster brother.”

  She whips her head back over at me. “Uh, no. He had to have been more than that.”

  “He was.” I swallow hard over the knives lodged in my throat. “We were so much more than that. And then I ruined it all.”

  Desi keeps her eyes on the road, but nods. “You don’t want to talk about it, I get it.”

  “You’re right. I don’t,” I snap at her, turning my head to look out the window. “Some shit just fucking hurts, okay? I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with these bullshit emotions without shooting dope into my veins.”

  “I feel you, girl,” she sighs deeply. “It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. You’ll see. The further you get into your recovery—when you truly start living—you will see that the life you were living before was not fucking worth it.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I whisper, feeling the pain wash over me. I quickly force it away, wiping the tears from my eyes as I swallow down my emotions. “What did Dr. Conrad need you for? You were gone for a while and never did say when you came back.”

  Desi coughs loudly, choking on her own spit. Her body tenses, her knuckles turning stark white as she grips the steering wheel tighter. “He—uh—he had some questions about another new admit and then just wanted to talk about you moving into my position and me going back to school and what my schedule will be looking like.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her, but don’t question her any further. I’ve seen the way that they exchange glances when neither of them thinks anyone else is looking. It’s very subtle, but I’ve noticed it. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s just all in my head. It’s not my place to ask her about it. It’s really none of my business.

  Desi and I might be friends, but I don’t know that we’re at that point that we can confide in each other. At least not about our secrets like that. I told her the bare minimum about Killian. When it comes down to it, what happened between us doesn’t concern anyone but us.

  We fall back into a comfortable silence, and I stare out the window absentmindedly as we get closer to the halfway house. Today wasn’t the worst day that I’ve ever had, but it hasn’t been the best since I started my recovery journey.

  Desi slows the car as she pulls up along the street out front of the halfway house. She puts the car in park, turning to face me as I start to open my door. “Things will get better, girl. I know it might not seem like it right now and having him so close is threatening to derail your progress. But it will get better. It will get easier.”

  “I just feel like today was such a fucking setback,” I whisper, shaking my head as I push the door open. “I wasn’t expecting to see him. It’s too fucking soon. I’m not ready to really face him and face everything that has happened.”

  “Did you go out and get high today?” She raises her eyebrows at me. “You had your biggest trigger thrown in your face. Did you go get high to run away from your problems?”

  “No,” I say quietly, shaking my head again. I swallow hard, lifting my chin to look at her. “I didn’t go get high.”

  Desi’s lips curl upward as they spread into a grin, her bright white teeth shining back at me. “Ainsley. Do you not see how big of an accomplishment that is? That’s something to be fucking proud of.”

  My eyes bounce back and forth, searching hers. I didn’t think of it that way and now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know if the thought about using even entered my mind after seeing him. It was suffocating. For the first time in a long time, I was able to handle my strongest emotions without running and sticking a needle in my arm.

  “The day’s not over yet,” I mumble, not giving myself the same credit that she is. She’s right, I should be proud, but there’s truth in my words too. Once I’m alone, it’s a different story. There’s no telling how I’m going to continue to cope.

  “Don’t talk like that,” she sighs. “I know those self loathing, self doubting feelings all too well. You deserve to give yourself some credit, Ainsley. Seriously. Just go inside, get a shower, and get some rest. Tomorrow will be here before you know it and you’re going to have to walk back into the same place where he is again.”

  I narrow my eyes at her, my nose curling in distaste. “Thanks for the boost of confidence?”

  “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” She waves me out of the car as she abruptly puts the car in drive. “Try being optimistic for once. Believe in yourself, because in the end, you’re all that you have.”

  I swallow hard, nodding as I finally get my ass out of her car. The door falls shut behind me, slamming loudly and her tires squeal as she peels away. Desi doesn’t have the most patience. She’s easily irritated and I know that I just irritated the fuck out of her.

  It’s easier to give advice than it is to swallow it. She put in the time, she did the work and she got her shit together. Her life is completely on track. She’s in a place to give someone else advice. I just need to learn to take it.

  Sometimes it’s hard, especially when I’m still struggling with my own internal issues. Take that and add Killian to the equation and it’s a fucking lot for me to try and deal with right now.

  I slip inside the front door. The house is already quiet. I live here with three other girls. I met two of them while I was in treatment and we entered the halfway house around the same time. People cycle through, so it’s hard to make connections with people that you only have in your life for a few short months.

  The two other girls are fairly close—Lou and Devon. We recently got a new girl in the house two weeks ago. Lou and Devon didn’t know her before, but I did.

  Cartier.

  She didn’t tell me how she ended up in treatment. Maybe she finally came to her senses and realized that even though she was only using pills, she was still struggling with addiction. She tells the bare minimum like she did when we were in the intensive outpatient program together. And, per usual, I don’t ask enough questions.

  I figured if she wanted me to know, she would tell me.

  We have a weird friendship, a weird relationship, but when we saw each other for the first time in a few months, it’s like we picked up where we left off with no lost time in between. She heard about the accident when I never showed back up for group.

  She didn’t ask any specific questions and I didn’t tell her. Maybe one day we will be close enough that we can talk about it. If there’s one thing that I miss from my life, from the way things were before they got bad, it’s my friends. I never had many, but the few that I had were big parts of my life.

  Especially Hudson.

  I pull out my phone from my pocket as I go into my bedroom. Opening my messages, I find the one from the last time Hudson and I talked. There was a point in our lives where we never went a day without talking. So much has changed. After I went home, I never did reach out to him, but that’s because I was still using at the time.

  While I was in the hospital, he came to see me without my mom telling me that he was coming by. He caught me off guard, he took me completely by surprise, but he never fucking judged me for anything that I did or anything that happened. I finally broke down that day and told him everything.

  He made sure to check in on me while I was in rehab and as soon as I was allowed a phone in the halfway house, we made a pact. We would never go another single day without talking to each other, even if it’s the briefest of conversations.

  I tap on the phone symbol next to his name and hold the phone up to my ear as it begins to ring. Hudson answers it quickly, with something rustling in the background.

  “Hey Ains,” he says happily into the speaker. I hear it adjust as he moves around, doing god knows what. “What’s going on? Did you just get home?”

  “Yeah,” I tell him as I drop down onto my bed and kick off my shoes. “I only have two more days left of orientation for the front desk and then I’ll be taking over for Desi.”

  “That’s awesome! I’m seriously so proud of you, you have no idea.”

  “How was your day? Anything exciting happen?”

  Hudson laughs lightly into the phone. “Nope. Went to class and met Cardin for lunch. Worked my shift at the library this evening and now I’m tucked away in my dorm for the night like a good little boy.”

  I was so out of touch with reality, I never paid attention to Hudson’s dreams and aspirations. The entire time I was using, he had already been accepted into college and if he told me, I never actually listened. It wasn’t that I didn’t give a shit. I just didn’t have it in me to care about anything that was going on with anyone else.

  He had always talked about going to school to be a teacher. I always laughed it off because I was the one who never had a clue as to what I was going to do with my life. I wanted to go visit Europe and then go to college. If it were up to my parents, they would have picked my career and everything for me.

  “I’m really proud of you too, dude,” I tell him honestly, feeling the emotion well inside. “You didn’t follow the same path that I did. You are actually doing what you wanted to do with your life. I’m so happy for you. And that you have Cardin too.”

  “Okay, okay.” Hudson breaks through my emotional ramble. “What’s really going on? Something happened today because you are never this emotional.”

  I sigh into the phone. “We got a new admission at work today.”

  “Is he hot?” Hudson asks with unwarranted curiosity.

  “I never said that it was a he?” I retort back.

  Hudson chuckles. “You didn’t have to, babe. I can hear the frustration in your voice and I know that you’re not into girls, so it has to be a guy then.”

  I swallow hard over the knives lodged in my throat. “You’re right.”

  “So, spill. Tell me about the new mystery guy at work.”

  “You already know him,” I whisper, pausing as I force back my tears. “It was Killian.”

  SIX

  KILLIAN

  My footsteps are loud on the tile floor as I pace up and down the hall. I’m fucking restless today. I have been since I got here. Nothing is working. My treatment plan isn’t doing shit for me. Therapy isn’t helping.

  It feels like the four walls of this building are constantly closing in on me, sucking the oxygen from my lungs. I can’t fucking breathe in this place. I need to get out of here and there’s no way for me to leave.

  “Killian, you good?” Dr. Conrad asks as he hangs in the doorway of his office. “Did you want to come in and sit down for a little bit?”

  “No,” I bark at him as I continue to pace. “I need to get out of here. I gotta get the fuck out.”

  Dr. Conrad stays where he’s standing, watching me carefully as I lose my shit in the hallway. My footsteps are heavier, my hands clenched into fists at my sides. Being in here is killing me, knowing that Ainsley is right on the other side of the door at the end of the hallway.

  I’m like a fucking stalker, constantly waiting to see her come through that doorway. It’s been a week. A week of knowing that she’s here, in the same place as me. It’s been a fucking week after seeing her for the first time in a year.

  I’m coming undone. I’m losing my fucking mind in here.

  “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on and we can see what we can do to help you,” Dr. Conrad offers as he steps into the hallway, blocking my way as I continue to pace. I stop abruptly, facing him at eye level. He narrows his eyes at me. “If the treatment that we’re giving you here isn’t working, we are here to find out what will work. The only way that we can know that is if you talk to us, Killian. Believe it or not, I’m not a damn mind reader.”

  My jaw clenches as I hold his gaze with a cold, hard stare. “Nothing is going to fucking help me. Can’t you see that? I’m a lost cause, a waste of fucking space. Just let me the hell out of here.”

  “You know I can’t do that,” Dr. Conrad reminds me, his voice low and calm. “Even if you weren’t court ordered to be here, we still wouldn’t give up on you, Killian. No one is a lost cause. Not a single fucking person who comes here is a waste of space.”

  I step away from him, the emotion bursting from the fucking seams as I begin to come apart. It’s too much and I can’t handle it. I turn away from him, a roar ripping through my chest as I drive my fist into the wall. “Fuck you!” I yell at him, my voice echoing through the hallway.

  Dr. Conrad takes a step away, moving to the other side of the hall as I pull my fist from the hole that I left in the drywall. He doesn’t say a word, giving me my space as I drive my fist back into the wall, creating a much larger hole than there was from the first blow.

  My knuckles are bloodied, bruised and battered. My shoulders sag in defeat as my chest rapidly rises and falls with every exaggerated breath I take. I pull my hand up to my face, inspecting my wounds as the adrenaline begins to wear off.

  The adrenaline leaves, taking every bit of serotonin that it gave me as I assaulted the wall. I’m left with an empty hole in my chest as every emotion I’ve been avoiding begins to fill the void. My back hits the wall and I slowly slide down as I crumble onto the floor.

  For the first time in a long fucking time, I let myself cry. The tears break through my guard and it crashes to the floor, shattering into a million pieces around my pathetic form. Ignoring the pain in my hand, I wrap my arms around my legs and bury my face in my knees as I submit to my emotions.

  I don’t notice Dr. Conrad moving until he takes a seat on the floor beside me. He sits silently, not making any bullshit attempts to comfort me as he lets me have my space. He lets me feel everything that I need to before the tears finally subside.

  I lift my head, glancing over at him, feeling embarrassed as I wipe the tears away from my face. “This isn’t working.”

  He nods. “Are you ready to try again? Will you let me help you to figure out what is going to work for you?”

  I stare back at him, swallowing the emotions back down. “I’m ready.”

  SEVEN

  AINSLEY

  “You getting ready for work?” Cartier asks as she slowly pushes open my door and steps into my space without an invitation.

  I glance up at her as I slip my feet into my Vans. “Yeah, it’s been a weird adjustment without Desi.”

  Cartier drops down onto the bed beside me and leans back on her elbows. She kicks her legs, her bare feet with her perfectly manicured toes swinging back and forth. “Do you think that she’s gonna come back?”

  “Before she ended up in treatment, she was working on her masters in psychology. I don’t know what exactly happened that derailed everything, but I think she only has a year left to finish her degree.” I stand up, adjusting my strapless dress around my chest. “I’m pretty sure that she already has a position waiting for her at Better Daze.”

  Cartier purses her lips. “I was thinking of enrolling in the local community college.” I raise an eyebrow at her and she shrugs. “The money from my parents’ estate is going to run out eventually and I don’t know that I’m going to want to make a career out of working at the dispensary.”

  “What do you think that you’d want to do?”

  Her legs stop moving back and forth and she pulls her gaze from mine, staring blankly at the wall on the opposite side of the room. “Honestly, I haven’t really thought much about it.”

  “I mean, there’s no rush to figure out what you want to do,” I tell her as I rise to my feet from the bed. “Shit. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life and I’ve only got a month left in here.”

  I swallow hard as the reality slaps me in the face. I was able to save up some money and my mom gave me access to my savings account that she had set up for me. She helped me to secure a one bed-room apartment and put a down payment down on it. I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet.

  “Girl, you’re set up with your job and you already have a place that you’re moving into. I think you’re doing alright in life.”

  I give her a small smile, not feeling the same way about it that she’s clearly feeling. “I don’t know if I’m ready for it. I’ve never lived by myself before.”

  “Have you considered going back home and living with your mom for a little while until you feel ready?”

  “She offered.” I shrug as I grab my bag from the top of my dresser. “I don’t know. The apartment is month to month, so we’ll see how it goes.”

  “One day at a time, girl.” Cartier smiles at me as she finally climbs off my bed. “We all gotta learn how to walk before we run, right?”

  “More like learn how to crawl.”

  Cartier brushes past me, walking through my bedroom door as she steps out into the hallway. “You gotta change your mindset, Ainsley. For real. Pessimism doesn’t suit you.”

  She leaves without saying anything else as her words hang heavily in the air. They seep into my pores. There was no animosity behind what she said. She wasn’t saying it to be mean, she was simply making an observation. And she’s right. I hate this version of myself, but I’m still trying to work on it.

  Before my addiction pulled me down into the dark depths, I always had the carefree, easygoing mood. Maybe it was because of the drugs that I didn’t care enough to really give myself the chance to be negative about it. Everything always was what it was. I went with the flow, accepting shit as it came.