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I shook my head rapidly, thoroughly disgusted by the words coming from her mouth and the thoughts invading my mind.

  “You’re a sick little fucker, aren’t ya?” She gives me a sinister grin as she deliberately pulled her pants up slowly. Avoiding her and her gaze, I turned back to the mirror, looking at the unfamiliar face staring back at me.

  “Looks like ya mouthed off to the wrong person this time.” My mother smirked as she passed behind me and firmly grabbed my ass. “You’ll learn one of these days or else I’m gonna have to teach you a lesson.”

  According to her, I never did learn, and she kept her promise on teaching me a lesson one day. What she failed to mention was that it was eventually going to be a lesson in sex ed.

  chapter ten

  PAST

  I had just barely made it through junior high alive, I had made it my life goal to spend my summer forgetting about my freshman year of high school poking its ugly head around the corner. School wasn’t a good place for me to be, not with the predators lurking in the halls.

  After I got jumped on my way home from school, my grandma immediately sold her trailer and moved into a roach-infested rowhouse down the block. She worked her ass off and dropped a good bit of money to get the place clean enough to call home.

  There was nothing in the city for her, but she did it all for me.

  Carson and I spent most of our days there, only going home at night to go to bed. My dad didn’t seem to notice my absence much, but I was suddenly on my mother’s radar.

  It was the beginning of summer when I first met Tiffany. My grandma had gone out for the day, but she still let me stay at her house while she wasn’t home. My house was empty when I woke up, so we left without a second thought.

  We had spent most of the morning holed up in her living room in front of the air conditioner watching T.V., so after lunch we went outside. Carson spent so much time inside since our parents were too lazy to give a shit about doing anything with him.

  It was too hot to walk anywhere, so we sat out front under the shade on her small concrete porch. Carson sat silently and watched with curiosity as a few burly men unloaded a moving truck across the street. After a good forty-five minutes, they closed up the back door and drove off. Carson looked over at me, confused and I shrugged.

  I didn’t know anyone was moving in there, but how would I? I didn’t talk to anyone. Carson didn’t know that though and he never would. He didn’t have very much in his short life, but he had me and to him that was everything.

  As we had our silent exchange an old red Corvette pulled into the empty spot that the moving truck had left. Now we were both curious. It wasn’t every day you saw a nice car where we lived.

  A head with short dark blonde hair bobbed out of the car as she climbed out and when she turned around her face was as red as the car she had just gotten out of.

  “Eat shit, Cory!” she screamed in through the open door. She fell silent, nodding mockingly as she pretended to listen to the guy in the driver’s seat. Carson looked over as I slowly stood up and inched my way closer to the edge of the porch.

  It wasn’t my place to get involved, but I couldn’t bear to be a witness if shit went south between them. The girl looked up at me, narrowing her eyes before looking back into the car.

  “Go to hell,” she yelled as she slammed the door. The guy peeled out of the parking space and took off down the street. I kept my eyes on him until he was out of sight and when I glanced back across the street, there she stood.

  Her face was still red, her hands were glued to her hips and she glared at me like I was the guy driving the car. “Can I help you with something?”

  My whole body went rigid as the heat crept up my neck and spread across my face. I looked like a total creeper, standing on my porch watching her.

  I didn’t know how to respond or if I even should. “Are you okay?” I asked awkwardly.

  She stared at me for what felt like an eternity before tilting back her head as bubbly laughter spilled from her lips. I continued to watch her in amazement and out of confusion. She was captivating and she had every ounce of my attention.

  Sure, I was only fourteen, in the midst of puberty and running out of clean socks, but she wasn’t just some hot girl in a magazine or a porno that got my dick hard.

  Sure, I went home and jerked off in the shower to the thought of her, but what teenage boy wouldn’t?

  She was a few months older than me, just barely fifteen, I would later find out, but her body was deceiving. She had passed the awkward stage and her body had filled out perfectly.

  “What’s your name?” She giggled as she came down from her high.

  “Curtis.”

  “No, Curtis, I’m not okay,” she smiled brightly. “Nothing will ever be okay.”

  Why was she smiling like that when her words told a different story? Which one was the lie?

  I continued to stare at her awkwardly, yet still amazed. “What’s your name?”

  She didn’t miss a beat with the seemingly fake smile plastered to her face. “Tiffany.”

  Tiffany.

  I repeated her name over and over again in my head, as she turned around and walked up to the front door of the house across the street.

  “I’ll see you around, neighbor.” She nodded her head and slipped inside the house.

  “Tiffany,” I whispered out loud to myself, tasting her name on my lips.

  On a hot summer day, I met the girl of my dreams and fell madly in love with her. She was sweet but wasn’t afraid to let her sassy side out. We became fast friends and I spent almost every day with her that summer.

  We were attached at the hip. It wasn’t healthy, it was irrational, but it happened, and it changed me forever.

  chapter eleven

  PAST

  “Are you nervous to start school?” I asked Tiffany as we sat under the shade of a big oak tree in the park.

  We were down to the wire, with only three days of summer left and neither of us knew what we were walking in to. We were both starting our freshman year, and this was a new school for both of us.

  Tiffany had moved here from a nicer part of town, from her expensive life and private school. Her friends dropped her the moment she moved, treating her like she was diseased. She never told me the full story; all she had ever told me was that she and her mom moved, and I was the only friend she had.

  Her hands stilled, holding onto the flower headband she had been weaving together and she looked over at me. “Why would I be nervous?” she questioned, pinching her eyebrows together.

  I shrugged and cast my eyes toward the ground. “It’s a new school.”

  Why does everythin’ I say make me sound so stupid? She’ll never wanna be my girlfriend.

  “Curtis,” she said quietly as her hand slid over the top of mine. My heart instantly started to pound in my chest, pumping all of the blood straight to my dick. My eyes widened as I quickly glanced up at her, feeling the heat creeping up my neck. “I’m not worried about school as long as I have you.”

  “You’re my best friend,” she added, smiling at me.

  There’s that fucking word… ‘friend.’

  I want more. I need more.

  “I like you,” I blurted out and instantly regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I felt like I was going to throw up and I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

  She squeezed my hand gently, still smiling at me, brightly. “I know you do.” My heart stopped when she leaned over and planted a lingering kiss on my cheek.

  I had never kissed a girl and I didn’t have the first clue on what to do, but I wanted to, more than anything.

  I turned my head, hoping to catch her lips, but she was already sitting upright, looking away from me.

  I shouldn’t have let that slip. I’ve ruined everything.

  She quickly recovered, skating past my confession, her kissing me, and mo
ved on to other things. I watched her lips and tuned her out as she babbled on about the clubs and shit the school had to offer.

  She had a dream, she was focused on getting out of here and doing something with her life.

  I had nothing.

  I had no plans beyond what I was doing that moment. If she would have asked me to, I would have followed her for the rest of my life.

  But I didn’t. I didn’t follow her through high school, and I didn’t follow her in death.

  chapter twelve

  PAST

  It was the day I dreaded the most and had spent my entire summer trying to not think about.

  Freshman year.

  I woke up two hours early and tried to style my hair and dress as best I could. I found one pair of shorts that didn’t have any holes and a white t-shirt.

  There was only one person I was looking to impress.

  Tiffany.

  I could give two fucks about the rest of the school.

  It was a good thing I gave myself enough time since I had to get Carson ready too. After we were both dressed, I grabbed both of our bags and lead him out of the house and down the street.

  We were supposed to meet Tiffany at her house and walk to school together, but as we got closer, it didn’t look like anyone was home. I knocked on the front door and waited a good five minutes, calling her and texting her, but I never got a response and she never came to the door.

  Carson tugged on my hand and I knew we had to go. I’d just see her when we got to school.

  I walked Carson to the elementary school and left him with one of the aide’s waiting for the last of the buses. The high school was just across the street, so I hurried over to the daunting brick building.

  It was new and scary, and I had faith that it would be a new start; nothing like middle school.

  I filed into the building with a crowd of other students and was just a nameless face. No one acknowledged my mere existence as I found my way to my locker.

  It was still early in the day, but it was nice, not being noticed by anyone.

  That morning was uneventful and went faster than I anticipated. I got lost going to two of my classes, but none of the teachers seemed to mind.

  It wasn’t until lunch that I finally saw Tiffany. I had gotten my free lunch and made my way into the loud room lined with rows of tables and obnoxious kids. I stood there like an idiot, not knowing where to sit.

  I had no friends, I always sat by myself.

  There was an empty table at the back of the room that I had my eyes on when I finally spotted Tiffany. She was sitting at a table with the popular kids. They were the highest on the food chain and ran this place.

  They had never spoken to me, but their noses were always turned up and I was looked at like dog shit stuck to the bottom of their shoes.

  Tiffany was the only friend I had, so I mustered up any courage I had and walked right up to their table. She didn’t notice me until Chloe, their queen, snickered and nudged her in the side.

  “Hey Tiffany.” I smiled nervously at her passive face, clutching my tray in sweaty hands.

  She cocked an eyebrow, pursing her lips. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” she questioned me with a look of contempt.

  Her reaction threw me off, I was confused. “Um, yeah?” I replied nervously, as the other kids at the table whispered to one another.

  “Nah.” She shook her head, rolling her eyes. “You must have me confused with someone else.” She looked me up and down, scrunching her nose.

  When her eyes met mine, they were filled with disgust and disdain. It was something I had never experienced from her.

  “We spent the who—” I started but was abruptly cut off by one of the meatheads at the table.

  “Firecrotch,” he said, standing up and leaning on the table. “It’s time for you to go. She said she don’t know you, so go back to the fuckin’ sewage pipe you crawled out of.”

  It finally clicked. She had found her place here, with the kids that ranked higher in the school.

  She found her place and it wasn’t with me.

  “But Tiff—” I tried again, refusing to accept things for what they were.

  We were supposed to be friends.

  We were supposed to be in love, but she never had any intentions of being my girlfriend.

  She played me, she used me and now she left me lookin’ like a goddamn fool.

  “You’re still standing here?” she asked with a vicious smirk. A few of the girls giggled while Chloe turned to one of the girls beside her.

  “Maybe he’s retarded like his brother,” she whispered like I couldn’t hear her and stifled a laugh.

  My blood was boiling, my mind was confused, and my heart was in pieces. It was too much to process, too much to handle.

  “You’re right, wrong person,” I said, dropping my head and shuffling toward the doors.

  As I walked away, I heard Tiffany’s voice behind me, talking to her new friends. “What a fucking freak.”

  I dumped my untouched food in the trashcan and walked outside. I didn’t want to give them a reaction, but I couldn’t help it.

  I loved her from afar, even after she played me like that. I thought she had used me, but in the end, I was the one who used her.

  She was merely a stepping stone on my path to mass destruction.

  chapter thirteen

  PRESENT

  Christine regards me with tender eyes and a sad smile as we sit in silence, marinating in the trials of my fucked up past.

  “You can stop looking at me like that,” I tell her, cutting my eyes. “The last thing I want or need is your pity or sympathy.”

  Her eyes narrow a fraction and her lips form into a tight smile, before warming again. She hit a nerve with me and hitting back is what I know best.

  “Curtis, my feelings here are completely irrelevant. There is no pity, but I will not lie and tell you I have no sympathy for the child who had to live this life,” she says in a steady, clear voice. “Leave it at that and nothing more.”

  Taking her words for what they are, I give her a curt nod, clenching my jaw. She is not the enemy here.

  I am.

  “Shall we move along then?” she questions, adjusting her glasses on the bridge of her nose. “If you’d rather finish another day, I can always come back.”

  “I’m fine to continue this now,” I assure her. Today is the day to get this done and over with. I relive this shit in my mind every fucking day, there’s no sense in stretching out this episode of Storytime with a Mass Murderer.

  “Okay.” She nods. “I’m ready whenever you are. We just finished up with Tiffany.”

  Tiffany.

  I taste the bile in the back of my throat as I consider backpedaling. We’re going deep into my box of secrets, darker than any word could ever describe.

  It’s a road I’d rather not travel, but it’s a necessary evil, just like the woman who paved it.

  My mother.

  chapter fourteen

  PAST

  Tiffany ruined my freshman year of high school. Everyone who didn’t witness her shutting me down heard about it eventually. Gossip spreads like wildfire, especially when you’re the walking, talking freak show.

  I brushed it off at school, but it festered within and when I got home that afternoon and finally processed her betrayal, I was a mess.

  Her words and her disregard, they cut deep, and I needed to numb the pain. No one was home that afternoon, so I stole my mom’s vodka from the freezer and locked myself in my room, drowning myself in the bottle.

  I drank myself stupid, it’s a wonder I didn’t have alcohol poisoning, but that would have been too easy. Instead it had to be far worse.

  After the room started spinning and my eyes grew heavy, I fell into a restless sleep, floating in and out of consciousness. I vaguely heard her come into my room, giggling to herself with words flying out of her mouth faster than my brain could keep up.

  My eyelids fought a
gainst me with sleep threatening to pull me back under when they finally popped open.

  Everything was blurry, the room was still spinning and my mother hovered over me with a wicked smile and wild bloodshot eyes. Her sharp fingernails cut into my skin as she grabbed my lower jaw and pried it open, tearing my dried lips apart.

  I tried to blink, but my eyelids started to stick just as I felt her dirty fingers slip into my mouth, leaving something chalky under my tongue.

  My eyes opened enough to catch the twinkle in my mother’s eye as she lowered herself down onto the bed.

  “Relax, honey.” She smiled, baring her rotten teeth and stroked the side of my face. “Mama’s gonna take care of you now.”

  An overwhelming wave of dizziness came over me, pushing me deeper into the fog. Sleep hung like a weighted blanket over my blurred mind, pulling my eyelids shut.

  I felt her hands on the waistband of my pants as she fumbled with the button.

  Her hushed words were too far away, I couldn’t hear her.

  I could feel her, but it was like I wasn’t in my body anymore. The fog was too thick, my body was too weak and any type of control had slipped through my fingertips.

  It didn’t take long until I was swiftly pulled into a deep slumber with the sound of my zipper being pulled down ringing in my ears.

  The next morning was downright awful. I had never experienced a hangover before, but as soon as I opened my eyes and felt the pain from the lights and the sounds, I swore I would never drink again.

  My mind was still groggy when I first woke up, but when I pulled off my blanket, it didn’t take long for my spotted memories to come back from the night before.

  My pants and underwear were pulled just past my ass and my dick was flopped out on my stomach. Confusion washed over me as I racked my brain looking for answers.

  There was no reason for me to be exposed unless I forgot to pull them up when I took a piss or something.