Antidote (Dazed Series Book 3) Page 3

  He shrugs. “People have their ways. But I do know that they drug test here too, just to make sure that no one is slipping up.” He pauses, opening the door for me. “You’re a different case than most of the patients here anyway. You being here was court ordered. Anyone who is in a treatment facility voluntarily can split whenever they want. If you even try some shit and leave here, your ass will be behind bars faster than you can say boo.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him honestly, stepping into the main room of the building. “Believe it or not, I would like to get my shit together and my life back in order.”

  Travis looks at me with a thoughtful look in his eye. “You’re different than most people that I end up having to deal with. I’m not saying that I trust you, because I don’t know you from a stranger on the street, but I have no reason not to trust you.”

  “Hi!” A short brunette stands up from behind the desk in front of us. “Welcome to Better Daze!”

  She’s perky—too fucking perky—like she actually wants to be here right now. It’s rare that you encounter people that actually enjoy their jobs and aren’t fucking miserable just being there.

  “This is Killian Stone,” Travis says, stepping up to the front desk. “I called earlier as well as a few days ago to make sure that everything was set up and in place for him.”

  “Yes, of course.” She smiles brightly, looking at me. “It’s nice to meet you, Killian. I’m Desi. I’m sure that you’re going to enjoy your stay here. This place is truly the best place that you could be right now.”

  I stare at her blankly. “I’ve been clean for a year.”

  “Congratulations!” she exclaims, smiling brightly at me. “That is such an accomplishment and I love hearing that! I don’t know if you know much about the facility, but we treat the whole patient, not just your addiction. We have a very immersive therapy and support system put in place for every patient. We treat it as a team effort, getting whatever medical professionals involved that we need to to treat you as a whole.”

  My expression doesn’t change. Travis sighs. “Well, this was part of his plea deal, as I’m sure you know, so this is all court appointed.”

  “Yes, I’m well aware.” She glances at him, her smile falling slightly before looking back at me. “You are not your addiction, Killian. You’re a person and there’s always a root cause that brings out the addictive tendencies. We plan on getting to the bottom of that and helping you to live a productive life once you leave here.”

  A door behind her opens and my entire world stops. Ainsley walks through the door, typing something on her phone as she steps up beside Desi. My breath catches in my throat and the color drains from my face as she looks up, instantly meeting my eyes.

  Raina never specified which treatment facility Ainsley went to. She also told me that Ainsley completed her ninety days and was living in a halfway house, getting back on her feet.

  So why the fuck is she here?

  She looks healthier than I’ve ever seen her before. Her eyes are bright, her brown irises warm. There’s a tint of pink in her cheeks, which have filled out. She’s put on weight, but in a good way. Her clothes don’t hang from her frail frame anymore. She looks healthy. She looks fucking good.

  She was always beautiful, but seeing her like this, in a different light. She’s a different version of Ainsley and I feel like I’m staring at a mirage.

  “Killian,” she whispers, her phone dropping down onto the desk in front of them. She stares back at me, her eyes wide. I watch as her chest rises and falls in rapid succession.

  Desi looks back and forth between the two of us. “Do you guys know each other?”

  I swallow roughly over the emotion thick in my throat. “Something like that,” I murmur, my eyes still holding Ainsley’s gaze.

  She quickly breaks eye contact, looking down at the desk as she grabs her phone and tucks it in the front pocket of her flowing pants. Ignoring me, she busies herself, shuffling papers around on the desk.

  Desi hands me a clipboard with a packet of papers. “If you want to follow me, we can go into the intake room and get everything squared away so we can get you settled in a room. We will still do a drug test just in case, but since you said you’ve been clean for a year, I’m thinking we won’t need to send you to detox at all.”

  Ainsley lifts her eyes, searching mine as she stares at me in shock. She knows that I was in prison. I know that Raina kept her informed on what was going on with me, just the way that she kept me informed. But I can’t help but feel a twinge of pain with the way that Ainsley looks at me. She stares at me like she expected something different.

  The look on her face makes me question everything that happened between us. She knows me. She fucking knows me and it hurts like hell to think that she expects so little of me. Her shocked look is hard to ignore. After everything that we’ve been through, I was hoping that maybe she would have given me a little more credit.

  Just a little more fucking faith than this.

  I nod, tearing my eyes away from hers as I look over at Desi. Travis places his hand on my forearm. “I’ll be in touch with you when I come to do a visit. I’ll coordinate it with them here, so they will let you know when it will be.”

  “Thanks,” I mutter, feeling an overwhelming rush of defeat. There was a part of me that was hopeful coming here. Ainsley managed to extinguish that with one simple look.

  Maybe my thoughts were distorted. I was fucking delusional to think that our reunion would be one from a romance novel. I didn’t expect to see her here, especially like this.

  I never once paused to think about what could have gone through her mind the past year. With me being away and her getting better and getting her life together, maybe she’s finally come to her senses.

  She hates me like she should have from the start.

  Ainsley once told me that I should have left her before she loved me. She was wrong. She should have hated me before I loved her.

  Ainsley turns her back on us, turning her attention to the printer behind the desk, even though it isn’t currently printing anything. It’s almost like she can’t even face me right now. I’m the fucking villain in this story and she’s the ethereal angel that got tarnished by the devil.

  I follow after Desi without another word into the intake room. As the door closes behind me, I chance a glance, meeting Ainsley’s eyes once more.

  Her eyes are filled with tears and she doesn’t even bother to try and hide them like she would have in the past. They aren’t the tears that I would have expected to see for our first time seeing each other after the past year. There’s no happiness in the wetness that coats the sides of her face.

  She wears her emotions on her fucking sleeve and the pain that washes over her face is impossible to conceal.

  Even after all this time, all I do is inflict pain on her.

  THREE

  AINSLEY

  What the fuck.

  What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

  My mind is a fucking hurricane right now. I knew that we were getting a new admit today. I just started working at the front desk. I didn’t bother looking at it, because it didn’t occur to me that it might be the very ghost that’s been haunting me for the past year.

  When I talked to my mom last week, she told me that Killian was getting out early. We didn’t talk about him much because it was a sensitive subject. That night, I suffered from more than just some broken bones. My heart was ripped out of my fucking chest.

  He took every last piece of me and locked it away in the cell that they put him in. My mother refused to let me come clean about the drugs being mine. Killian had insisted that he took the fall and my mom was on his side. It was out of my control. I was the reason why he got locked up that night and why he spent the last year in prison.

  I fucking ruined everything between us and ruined his life in the process.

  There was no way to heal from that. The only thing that I could do was come to terms with it and move on. Part of my progress in treatment involved forgiving myself. I had to forgive myself for every unspeakable thing that I did during that dark point in my life.

  I had to forgive myself for ruining Killian’s life.

  It was a long, hard year. It took me so long to come to terms with everything. It wasn’t easy and it was painful as hell. But I got through it. I was back on my own two feet and finally doing well in life. I was focusing on myself and getting to a good point mentally.

  Every step that I made went out the door the minute that he walked in here.

  My mom told me that Killian was going into treatment. She let me know that it was court appointed. I don’t think she knew where he was going, because I’m sure she would have told me. There’s many different ones around here, but part of me wonders if she did know, if maybe this was her plan all along.

  I didn’t bother asking any questions and I should have. I should have shown more interest, but it hurt too much to talk about him. Knowing how much he should hate me after that night. I know how much I hate myself for that, but that’s something else that I’ve been trying to work on.

  It’s like we were both completely in the dark. He wasn’t expecting to see me here anymore than I was expecting to see him. This was such a cluster fuck and there’s no way for either of us to get out of this now.

  Better Daze offers jobs to their past patients that are doing well. It’s part of the program here. You work while you’re in treatment here. But after, as long as you continue to go to meetings and stay clean, they present you with legitimate job offers. It’s really a great thing that they have going on here.

  As an addict in recovery, getting a job isn’t always an easy task. They really do care about helping you even after your in
patient treatment is completed. I had been living in the halfway house for the past few months and was getting ready to go back home soon. I had wanted to get an apartment of my own, but I don’t know that I’m ready for that yet.

  Better Daze is an alternative medicine type of treatment facility. Contrary to the misinformed belief, they use marijuana as their main course of treatment for getting people off of opiates. They use it in conjunction with psych medications to treat underlying mental conditions.

  I was skeptical when I first came here. Growing up, everyone always talked about marijuana being a gateway drug. But that’s not what it is at all. It’s more of an exit drug. It’s helped me immensely, along with the therapy and the anxiety and depression medications that they put me on.

  It’s literally been life changing being here.

  I was working in the dispensary that they also own, where some of the patients work. As soon as I heard about a position opening at the front desk, I jumped at the opportunity. It had been going well and I was actually enjoying it. In a week, I’ll be able to work here full time on my own. Desi was back in school, so she was only going to be working weekends, so I was taking her position.

  Right now, in this moment, I regret this fucking decision.

  Killian shouldn’t be here, but I can’t deny that this is the best place for him to be.

  For the past year, I imagined what it would be like to see him again. To touch him again, to feel his skin under mine. I didn’t know that it would ever happen because he has every right to hate me.

  The thought of seeing him again also scared the fucking shit out of me. We were toxic. We are a tragedy waiting to happen. I thought that our tragedy had already happened. In my soul, I knew that I would never be able to move on from him, but part of me accepted that I would maybe have to one day.

  I was scared to see him again because the way we love is frightening. We’re destructive, to each other and ourselves. I lost all hope of us ever being able to have a normal relationship. I don’t even know what that would look like. Hell, I was delusional for even thinking that there would ever be anything between us again.

  The look in his eye was anything but hate and that shook me to my core. That hurt more than anything. I deserve his pain, not his acceptance. Not his fucking hope.

  There’s no hope for us. There never was.

  He was my drug of choice and I’ve been sober for a year. Him being here is going to derail all of the progress that I’ve made. I can’t let that happen. I can’t go through it with him again.

  Desi and Killian come back out of the room. I lost track of time, consumed by my own toxic thoughts. Killian stands by the desk, shifting his weight nervously on his feet as he holds onto the trash bag full of his belongings by his side.

  It breaks my heart, knowing that he came here with next to nothing.

  “Do you mind taking him to his room?” Desi asks quietly, her eyes searching mine. “If you’re not comfortable with it, I can. Dr. Conrad just paged me though, so I should probably go see what he needs.”

  I swallow roughly, straightening my shoulders. “No. Go see what he needs. It’s not a problem.”

  Desi gives me a small smile and a nod. “Thanks, girl. We’ll catch up later?”

  “Sure,” I offer, shrugging in indifference. I’m not sure that this is a conversation that I’m ready to have with her about him. I don’t know that I’m ready for anyone else to know our history, but she’s become my closest friend since I’ve been here.

  Desi shuffles away, disappearing through one of the doors that leads to Dr. Conrad’s office. My eyes trail across the room to Killian, who stares at me with an eyebrow raised. The walls feel like they’re closing in and I’m suffocating in the tension that fills the air.

  “Um—I’ll show you where all of the common areas and stuff are and where you’ll be staying.”

  “Okay,” he says softly, adjusting the trash bag in his hand as he motions with his other for me to lead the way.

  I stare at him, my lips parting slightly, but I can’t form a single coherent thought that I could transform into a sentence. There’s so much that I want to say to him right now, but I know that it’s better if we keep this strictly professional.

  He’s not here for us to catch up or reconnect. He’s here for his own recovery.

  Killian follows after me as I lead him through the facility. We walk down the hall that leads to the main dining area and the common room. His eyes burn holes in the back of my head as he walks along behind me.

  “So, this is the dining area where everyone eats every day,” I tell him, keeping my voice as even as possible as I pause in the doorway. “There’s a kitchen back through those doors.” I point at the opposite end of the room. “They have snacks and stuff in there that everyone is welcome to during the day. Things are pretty lax here, but they run a tight ship too.”

  “It seems like it’s been good for you,” he murmurs, hovering behind me with his head all but next to mine.

  I clear my throat nervously. “Yeah, this place saved me.”

  Killian’s breath is warm against my ear as he leans forward slightly. “Sober looks good on you, baby girl.”

  “Thanks,” I mumble, struggling to catch my breath as my heart pounds erratically in my chest from his close proximity. “Um, the common room area is over here.”

  I move away from him as quickly as possible. A rush of cold air replaces his warmth from him standing behind me and I miss it already. I walk to the next door that is across the hall, showing him the room that is like a living room, coupled with a game room.

  “They do different activities and stuff to try and keep everyone busy and entertained.”

  Killian stands beside me, his arm brushing against mine. My skin burns from the contact, but I don’t move away. It warms me in a way that I haven’t felt in so long. He stares straight ahead, his expression dark as he stares into the room. “Who entertains you?”

  His question catches me off guard. There’s no animosity or jealousy in his tone. Just curiosity and it feels like a knife in my chest.

  “Excuse me?” I breathe, the pain lingering in my voice. “No one entertains me, Killian.”

  He turns his head to look at me. “So, you haven’t moved on yet?”

  I stare back at him, staring into the sage depths of his irises. “How could you even ask that?”

  “Because you should,” he says quietly, his eyes staring straight through me, penetrating my soul. “The way that you looked at me. I know what hatred looks like.”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  I fucking love you.

  “You should,” he breathes, his warm breath fanning across my face as he tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I’m always going to hurt you, baby girl.”

  I swallow roughly as I take a step away from him. I can’t do this with him, not right now. It’s too much. I’m still trying to process seeing him and he’s already fucking with my head and my emotions.

  “Killian,” I warn him. “Just don’t, okay? Not right now.”

  He flips the switch, turning off the emotion as the coldness washes over his expression. The walls are back in place and his guard is up, just like mine should be. He stares at me with indifference. “Sure.”

  Turning away from him, I’m a bundle of nerves as I lead him through the rest of the facility. My voice is monotone as I rattle off the different rooms, rushing through the tour until we get to the floor where his room is. My footsteps move quicker as we approach his room and I push open the door, showing him in.

  “You can pick whichever bed you’re comfortable with,” I tell him as he brushes past me. My breath catches in my throat from the contact as he walks into the room, completely unaffected. “We’ve had a lot of discharges lately, so you’ll have the room to yourself for a while.”

  “Cool,” he says, walking toward one of the beds as he drops his trash bag onto it. He doesn’t say anything else as he walks around the room, checking it out and the bathroom that is fully stocked with toiletries.

  I shift my weight nervously as I linger awkwardly in the doorway. “I didn’t see who they set you up with for a counselor, but I will check with Desi and I’m sure someone will be by to talk to you soon.”