Anesthetic (Dazed #1) Read online

  “You know that I don’t use those.”

  He uses them every time that he has to see his parents, in fear that they will think that their little 4.0 GPA boy is a fuck-up.

  "How do your parents not know that you're always high?" Hudson asks as he tosses the joint out the window, slowly pulling along the street in front of my house. He doesn’t put the car in park but keeps his foot on the brakes as I push open my door.

  I smirk as I grab my backpack from the floor in between my feet. "Because they never see me sober.”

  Hudson's laughter floats out of the door as I climb out. A smile tugs on the corner of my lips and I give him the middle finger as he pulls away. The small bump of coke wasn't enough to fuck me up, but it definitely has my footsteps floating as I stride through the grass toward my house.

  I feel lighter on my feet and like every nerve ending in my body is tingling. My senses are heightened with the sun burning my eyes from how bright it appears. I hear the sounds of birds chirping, along with someone mowing their grass down the street. As I step into the house, the warm scent of vanilla and cinnamon snakes itself into my senses. I catch a whiff of whatever my mom is cooking for dinner, but it doesn't ignite my sense of smell.

  Coke has a nasty habit of decreasing your appetite, but I couldn’t care less. I'll pretend to eat the dinner that she made like a good daughter, even though I'll just be forcing it instead. I started doing coke back in ninth grade—only occasionally, of course. It's never been a habit, but I do it frequently enough that I know how to hide it. Plus, having an older brother that fucked up more than I ever could, they keep their eyes off of me. They're far too concerned with him staying on the wagon and as far away from alcohol as possible.

  Jude was the one that my parents thought was going to make it big. I was always mediocre at best in everything that I attempted to do. The only thing that I was remotely good at was playing the piano, but that wouldn't get me to the places that Jude was going. He was the star quarterback in high school with a free ride to any college he wanted. He had the attention of every single scout and had big dreams of going pro after he got his degree.

  That all ended one night after a terrible accident. It was during his senior year, he left a party completely obliterated. He was always a drinker, but no one knew just how often he actually got as drunk as he did that night. He blacked out and then passed out behind the wheel, wrapping his car around a telephone pole. He shattered his left leg and broke other various bones. That night, he kissed his entire football career goodbye. After many months of rehab, losing his driver’s license, and getting hooked on pain pills, he settled with a mediocre college and got a degree in social work.

  Sure, my parents were proud that he still managed to turn his life around, but he ruined the envious future that he could have had. Jude had everything going for him and he completely fucked it up. My parents don't know my secrets. I keep my partying and drug use under lock and key. They will never ruin my future the way Jude had ruined his.

  "Ains, is that you?" my mother calls out from the kitchen as I shut the door behind me.

  "Yep! Do you need any help?" I ask her as I hang up my backpack and discard my shoes on the floor in the foyer. I usually find any excuse to go out with Hudson and our friend Amethyst, but the cocaine has me feeling friendly today. Once I hit my teenage years, my mom and I kind of grew apart, but I do enjoy her company. And when I'm high, I feel more comfortable being around her. I'm able to forget about being the second favorite child and enjoy my time with her.

  My mom comes out of the kitchen, slowly walking toward me with a strange look on her face. "There's actually something that I wanted to talk to you about."

  I don't like the way that she's looking at me, staring directly into my bloodshot eyes. I shift my weight nervously as I scratch the back of my neck. "What's up?"

  "You remember how your father and I were talking about possibly fostering a child?"

  My brow furrows in confusion, unsure of where she is going with this, but I nod. After all of the issues with my brother, my mom got some type of humanitarian hair up her ass and decided she wanted to try to do more to save the world and the people on our planet. I was more than thrilled when she decided to adopt the same plant-based eating that I preferred and making more of an effort to preserve our planet, but my mother usually goes through phases. So, when she had mentioned fostering, I didn't put much weight on it.

  "The social worker from the county contacted us about a child needing immediate placement and we decided to go ahead with the process and to foster him."

  "That's great." I smile at her, genuinely meaning it. I'm happy that maybe it wasn't just a whim with her. With everything that we've been handed in life, it's only right that we give back and pay it forward. "When will he be coming here? How old is he?"

  "Well, actually..." My mom pauses, nervously wiping her hands on her apron as she smiles at me. "He's here already, he's in the kitchen." She waves for me to follow her as she walks through the foyer and steps into the kitchen.

  Curiosity gets the best of me and I follow after her, feeling light on my feet. The bump of coke is still invading my system and my high lingers. A smile stretches across my face as the endless possibilities run through my mind. Even though I have an older brother, sometimes it feels like I'm an only child here. Having someone else here could be fun, even if it's a little kid. I actually really love kids.

  "Meet your new foster brother," my mother says excitedly as I walk into the kitchen. I glance over toward the island, feeling the color drain from my face. My chest constricts as the air leaves my lungs in a rush. I meet his sage green eyes and it feels like the walls are closing in on me. "Killian."

  His eyes narrow on mine and his lips curl upward in a sinister grin. There's no warmth in his expression. He's as frigid as he was when I ran into him this morning. It's unsettling and I can feel his gaze penetrating my tainted soul. I could sense that there was something off about him, but I shrugged it off earlier today.

  I take all of it back. I don't want a new sibling and I definitely don't want it to be him.

  Three

  Killian

  I watch the color fade from Ainsley's face and it amuses me. I'm equally as surprised as she is, but I don't let it show. When Raina picked me up from school, she told me that she had a son and a daughter. She mentioned that her son doesn't live at home anymore, but she failed to mention anything about her daughter besides the fact that she was a senior at River Valley too.

  I didn't think much of it at the time, because I honestly didn't really care. It's not like they were going to be keeping me for long. It never takes much for the foster families to discard me like a piece of rotten fruit. But standing here, staring into Ainsley's bloodshot eyes gives me a sense of satisfaction.

  She may have been warm when we met this morning, but I know she felt the chill from my cold attitude. She's uncomfortable under my gaze, so I don't look away from her. Instead, I continue to stare at her with the same smirk plastered on my face. I can already tell that she doesn't want me here. I can't say that I blame her because I don't exactly want to be here either.

  When I met her this morning, there was something about her that stuck out to me. Something different about the other girls, with her carefree spirit. But now that I'm seeing her in a completely different light and I hate it. The house, the cars, her family. The fucking money... it changes everything. She is no different than the other stuck-up bitches at River Valley.

  Except for her bloodshot eyes... they tell a completely different story. This girl has secrets and if I gave a fuck, I would want to know them.

  "We met at school this morning." Ainsley tears her gaze from me, turning to face her mother.

  "I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you before, sweetie." Raina gives her an apologetic smile. "I didn't think about the two of you running into each other and didn't want to stress you out before school."

  "It's fine." Ainsley shrugs it off, her voice as hollow as her fucking eyes. She's on something, I'm just not sure what. "We've formally been introduced now, so..."

  Raina turns to me and I don't say a single word. What the fuck am I supposed to say? Oh, so nice to meet your daughter. I can tell that we're going to get along just fine. Nah, I'll save my lies for another time. For when I actually need them. The tension is thicker than the walls that I have built up over the years. I don't think there's anything that could cut through it.

  "Dinner should be ready by six," Raina informs me before turning back to Ainsley. "Can you show him to his room, please? I set up the room across the hall from yours."

  Ainsley glances at me and I don't miss the way she fidgets with her hands, playing with her belly button ring. "Yeah, sure."

  Raina gives us both a smile of approval before busying herself at the stove again. Ainsley nods her head at me, gesturing toward the doorway and floats toward it. Her footsteps are light, almost like there's a subtle skip in her step as she wanders through the vast hallway toward the staircase. She runs her hand along the mahogany railing as we walk up the steps.

  Her ass is in my face as she walks in front of me, and I can't help but fucking stare. The colorful mandala pattern of her bohemian pants accentuates her curves. My eyes are glued to her ass, admiring how round and full it is. I can only imagine how it would feel cupped in my palms, with the tips of my fingers digging into her flesh as I grip her in my hands.

  My cock twitches in my pants and I'm ready to punch myself in the nuts.

  "I can feel you staring," Ainsley growls at me as we reach the top of the staircase. "Don't even fucking think about it."

  "That's the last thing that I'll think about," I counter, following behind her as she turns down the hallway.

  She pauses as we reach the end of the hall, stopping in front of a closed door. She spins on her heel to face me, narrowing her bloodshot eyes at me. Her pupils are huge, hiding the honey brown hues of her irises. "What's your problem? I mean, this morning was awkward, but I thought you were just quiet or shy. Now I'm seeing that you're just a fucking asshole."

  This amuses me even further. I didn't plan on things moving this fast, but since I'm already fucking this up, I might as well seal the deal. She thinks I'm a fucking asshole, then that is exactly what I am going to give her.

  "Is that how you treat your family? Are you such a cunt to your other brother too?"

  Ainsley glares at me. "You're not my brother. We're basically just giving you a place to live and shit until you graduate high school."

  She doesn't sugarcoat her words and if I cared, they would really fucking hurt. I can feel the sharp pang in my chest from the truth mixed in with her harsh tone. That's exactly what it is—the truth—and there is absolutely no denying it. I'm not wanted anywhere I go, I already know that, but Ainsley doesn't. She thinks that her words are news to me, but I'm two steps ahead of her.

  "Do your parents know about your extracurricular activities?" I grill her, boring holes into her brown eyes with mine.

  "Excuse me?" she growls, clenching her jaw as her hands curl into fists by her side.

  I step into her space and she takes a step back as her back hits the closed door. I plant my hands on the doorframe, caging her in with my tattooed arms. "We could have a lot of fun. It's written all over your dazed expression that you know how to have a good time."

  "You don't know a damn thing about me," she grinds out the words through her clenched teeth. I keep my eyes on her, but I don't miss the way that her body betrays her and reacts. Her chest rises and falls rapidly with every shallow breath.

  "You're right," I agree, pulling my hand away from the doorframe as I lazily brush a tangled piece of blonde hair from her face. "And I don't particularly care to know anything about you."

  "Awesome. Look, I have shit to do," she says, smacking my hand away. "This is your room, so make yourself at home." She nervously gestures to the closed door behind her. "I'm going to go now."

  I tilt my head to the side, narrowing my eyes as I scan her face. We will have plenty of time for this and I'm only making her uncomfortable. Even though that is exactly how I want her to feel, I drop my arms to my side, not bothering to take a step away from her as I give her an out. "Have it your way, princess," I murmur as her chest brushes against the side of my arm as she scoots past me. "I know your secrets, Ainsley. I won't hesitate to use that against you."

  Ainsley turns around on her heel, glaring at me as she stands in the middle of the hallway. "You don't know shit, Killian."

  "You're right." I chuckle, crossing my arms over my chest as I lean against the doorframe. "You think that you can hide that you're high, but I see right through your bullshit. I don't know what you're on, but when I find out, you're gonna fucking regret it."

  "What happened to you? You were nice, quiet even, when I met you this morning?"

  Reaching behind me, I grab hold of the doorknob and slowly turn it. "That was before I saw the real you. So, now, you're getting the real me too."

  Ainsley's brow furrows as she narrows her eyes in confusion. "What are you talking about? Nothing about me changed from this morning to now."

  "Maybe not." I shrug indifferently as I kick the door open. "But everything else did."

  I turn my back to her and step into the bedroom. The door softly closes behind me as I leave Ainsley alone in the hallway, confused as fuck. I shouldn't fuck with her like this already. I just got here. I should have played it differently, but oh well. It's too late now and now she is on my radar.

  When I met her this morning, it was different. But now I got a glimpse into her real life. She's only carefree and laid back because she's probably never sober. There's so much more to her than what meets the eye. Instead, she hides behind her drug-induced mask and pretends like everything is okay in the world. I can see through the mirage because I'm watching her through the same drug-induced haze.

  I thought I liked her this morning, but I take all of that back.

  I don't fucking like her at all.

  She's a fraud, just like everyone else.

  Four

  Ainsley

  What the fuck was that?

  I stare at the closed door in disbelief, knowing that Killian is right on the other side with that smug fucking look on his face. I wasn't the most welcoming person in the house, but there is something about him that I don't like. It doesn't sit right with me and since I'm high, I have no damn filter.

  I'm sure I will hear about this later. My mother will scold me, I'm sure. I was really quite rude, but he did call me a cunt. I called him an asshole first. Goddamn it, why am I standing here like an idiot, trying to justify the way that he treated me.

  We got off on the wrong foot and this was going to be a disaster. Thankfully, I'll be gone after our senior year is over. My mother already arranged a trip for me to visit Europe before leaving for college. The whole summer would be spent across the ocean as if nothing over here even exists.

  After graduation, I won't have to see Killian again. He can take his smug, sexy smile and smoldering green eyes somewhere else. Fuck. It's the coke clouding my judgment. I don't have a type, but if I did, it would not be Killian.

  He's haunted and damaged and I'm not looking for a fixer-upper. I have my own shit that I'm trying to keep together. The last thing that I am capable of doing is making another person whole. I'm not here to fix people.

  I need him out of my house. I need to talk to my mom, because surely, there has to be somewhere else for him to live. The thought is going to break her heart. She had always had a habit of taking in stray animals and I guess she finally took that final step into taking in stray people too. I know that she isn't going to want to send him back unless he does something really fucking bad.

  Maybe that is the way that I can get rid of him. He wants to use my secrets against me, but I think that I can use it to my advantage. I don't know what kind of plan he's concocting, but it's game on now. And I'm out for fucking blood.

  He wants to hit me where it hurts... well, he better be prepared to bleed too.

  "Where is Dad?" I ask my mother as I take my seat at the table. I glance over beside me, where she set a plate for Killian, and notice that it's empty.

  "He'll be home later this evening," she tells me as she sets the plates of food on our long dining room table. "He had a meeting run late tonight and he leaves for Japan tomorrow morning."

  "Wait, he's leaving again?" I ask her, feeling an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. He's been absent lately, throwing himself into his business, so he says. The tension between him and my mother has been building up for a while now. Neither of them seem happy in their marriage and now my mom went and brought in some random kid. "How long will he be gone for this time?"

  She shrugs with indifference as she pours herself a glass of wine. It's not her first of the evening and I know it won't be her last. She has a habit of polishing off a bottle throughout the night. "He didn't say and I forgot to ask."

  I stare at her, perplexed and slightly annoyed. How you forget to ask your husband how long his business trip is going to last is beyond me. Then again, their relationship is weird, if you even want to call it that. To the public eye, it looks like they are happily married. We have the picture-perfect life, one that everyone dreams of having. It's all fake though. If people saw how we live behind closed doors, they would think again.

  This isn't the dream, this is the nightmare.

  The coke wore off earlier and I could really use a bump right about now. I found a pink, heart-shaped pill at the bottom of my stash box that I keep hidden in the back of my closet. It's more like a box inside of a shoebox, but no one knows where it is, but me. I think it was Molly, but I'm not completely sure what the pill was. I'll know once it kicks in.